With Paganism growing every day, and with the increasing fractionalization of TV viewers, it's inevitable that someday we'll be seen as an attractive demographic to pander to. TV, however, is not exactly a medium that thrives on innovation, so the early Pagan shows will probably be re-treads of shows we know and (sometimes) love. So join me as I peer into the looking glass, as we take a look at future Paganized TV shows:
Buffy The Bunny Slayer - The Original Buffy was a favourite of Wiccans and Pagans, and this take on the Joss Whedon classic is sure to capture the same audience. Only this time, instead of vampires, demons, and other creatures of the night, Buffy (now a Gardnerian High Priestess) will be facing her toughest challenge yet...teaching a bunch of Fiona Horne fans how to really practice Wicca.
CSI Qabala - Join a crack team oh psychic investigators as they work to unravel the curses and hexes that fly between rival ceremonial magickal lodges, both of whom are convinced that the other lodge is a haven for "dark mages", and that this fact justifies whatever they decide to throw at each other.
American Idolatry - Join the Fox network in seeing just who is the most talented young Priest or Priestess in America! Every week, contestants will try their hand at invoking different Gods, Goddesses, elementals, watchers, ancestral spirits and others. All while being critiqued by our panel of three judges: Isaac Bonewitz, Starhawk, and Simon Cowell ("Oh, please! You call that an invocation? You couldn't call a hungry dog to you if you were waving a cheeseburger!"). Winners will get their own book deal, as well as a guest spot on:
Lucky Charmed - The creative team behind the hit show Charmed comes back with this touching, more realistic portrayal of modern Witchcraft. This time, three sisters dig into their Celtic heritage to find real magick, and have to fight off the forces of commercialism and dig through layers of poor scholarship to get there.
So You Think You Can Drum? - From the creators of American Idolatry comes this exciting competition between the best (and worst) drummers in the American festival scene. Remember, don't drink and drum...the rhythm you save may be your own.
The Real World: Salem - MTV returns with the latest installment of the grand-daddy of all reality shows, this one located in a 200 year old house in Salem, Mass. While the inhabitants of the house think that they're drawn from a variety of Pagan traditions, in reality one of them is a secret Christian missionary sent to convert whoever they can. Who is it? Watch and find out!
Law And Order: LoK (Lords of Karma) - Not your ordinary crime drama, Law and Order: LoK follows an event in a person's life back through the karmic chain to show us the thing they did to earn that karma. The debut episode shows how a broken limb can be traced to a lifetime of pinches and hits that the subject gave to his little brother growing up. Must-see TV!
The Sorcerer's Apprentice - 12 aspiring ceremonial magicians all compete for an exclusive spot training in an elite O.T.O. Lodge. One contestant each week is eliminated, to the harsh voice of the Imperator of the lodge bellowing "You're Banished!"
The Simpsons Go Skyclad - Homer thinks that he's taking the family for a nice little camping trip, but in this Beltane special, he winds up setting up camp in the middle of a Pagan festival! Watch as Maggie is adopted by the Dianics ("her silence speaks for the oppression of womyn everywhere!"), Lisa takes up with the O.T.O., Homer makes friends with the Druids ("Hmmmmmm....imported BEER!"), and Bart becomes a minister with the Church of the Subgenius ("Hail Bob, dude!")
The X-Tian Files - Follow the adventures ofLady Scully and Lord Mulder as they work to unravel the mysterious conspiracy behind the Christian theft of Pagan holiday traditions. Includes the emmy-nominated "Silent Night, Solstice Night" episode.
However, why stop at television? What might the big screen look like if Pagans were an attractive demographic? Let's go to the movies!
Harry Potter and the Cauldron of Trouble - Battling Death Eaters is nothing compared to what harry finds when he assumes the presidency of a public Pagan activist group. As he's caught in the middle of four different factions accusing each other of bieng "closet Fundies" and "dogmatic", harry finds himself longing for the days of clear-cut battles between good and evil.
The Bare Witch Project - Three years ago, a group of suburban eclectics ventured into the woods to find the Covenstead of a long-rumoured Gardnerian coven. A year later, their clothes were found...
Hostile - This gruesome horror-thriller tells the chilling story of a diabolical resort where young Pagans think that they're going to have a fun-filled time of drumming, ritual, and workshops, but instead are offered up to rich evangelical Christians who pay big money to try to convert them. One horrifying scene shows a Pagan who, after being forced to watch nothing but the 700 Club for 48 straight hours, claws his own eyes out.
The Gardnerian Code - Is a secret code hidden within the pages of the Gardnerian Book of Shadows the key to deciphering the untold secrets about Alex Sanders' grandmother? And what connection does Scott Cunningham have with an obscure magickal lodge rumoured to hold the keys to deciphering the mystery of Fiona Horne's appeal? Watch and find out...
Meet The Ancestors - Getting married is scary enough, but it's even scarier when you're marrying a psychic! Ben Stiller stars in this comedic farce about meeting your in laws...including the dead ones!
Pagans of the Caribbean - Take to the high seas in this latest Johnny Depp action-adventure, as Captain Jack Sparrow returns to find Great Rite Island...a place where sweaty dreams come true! Also starring Orlando Bloom, Kiera Knightly, and others the rest of us can call "lucky @#$&*!". Rated NC-17.
John Barleycorn Wants To Die Hard! - Bruce Willis returns again as John McClain, this time searching for "The Reaper", a killer who has left messages all over the internet expressing his desire to kill a "John Barleycorn"...little does McClain know just what he means. The ending is intoxicating!
I Know What You Did Last Beltane - In this psychological thriller, Jennifer Love-Hewett plays Amber Moonstone, president of the local chapter of "College Womyn Vegans For Female Dignity". He world is turned upside down when a mysterious stranger calls her, saying that he has pictures of her at a Beltane festival eating beef and dancing naked in the presence of men. Will she find out who he is before her reputation with her CWVFFD sisters is slashed to pieces?
Mission: Impossible XIII - Val Kilmer stars in this tense, action-packed blockbuster about a special agent charged with organizing an ecumenical conferance where Christians, Jews, Muslims, Buddhists, and Pagans would be attending....all without anyone getting offended. (Actor Tom Cruise created headlines when he walked off the picture, only to be replaced by Val Kilmer. It seems that Mr. Cruise wanted a script change where the problem's solved when everyone converts to Scientology, but the director, producers, film crew...everyone down to the caterers objected.)
Wicker Man: Retribution - In this stunning documentary, Christopher Lee leads a group of angry Pagans on a hunt to find Neil LaBute, the director responsible for the horrible remake of The Wicker Man. In the process, they find actor Nicholas Cage, and attempt to banish his recent habit of starring in any horrible movie thrown at him. Extended
Stay Tuned...
- Taliesin